The Stairs Go Up

The stairs go up.

She sees them every morning when she climbs the other flights to her office. Top floor, rising higher. Roof access, she was told, but it seems to her that no one really knows what’s up there.

The stairs go up. The image of them stays with her all day. The light dims as they rise, leaving the half-way landing gloomy and forbidding. Then they turn and rise some more, disappearing into obscured darkness.

The stairs go up. She used to ask people if they’d ever been up there, ever explored. It feels like something you shouldn’t do, but there are no signs or barriers to stop you. She used to ask people, until someone asked her why she didn’t go herself. The thought worried her, and she stopped asking.

The stairs go up, and it was an odd thing to think, but she truly believed that once you were up them, you’d find they didn’t go down again. Maybe people had explored in the past. Maybe they hadn’t come back. Maybe that was why, sometimes, she fancied she’d seen shadowy movement up at the very top.

The stairs go up, but the people don’t. No one else seems to notice them when she’s not asking her questions. It’s like they don’t exist when she’s not looking at them.

The stairs go up. One night they’re in her dreams, and she’s climbing to the landing, turning, staring up into thick, suffocating blackness, and something up there is looking back at her. When she wakes she’s sweating and trembling, but unexpectedly resolved.

The stairs go up, and so will she. Just to the landing. Just to see. Because she knows – she knows – that monsters aren’t real, and that darkness is just an absence of light, and there is no sensible reason for her to be afraid. So she will go up, and then she will know.

And then she will come back down.

The Fourth Horseman - Pre-Interview Part 3

IBTET: Internal meeting transcript (continued). Recommences 15:45, 23/11/16.

D:   Returning to deliberations.

P:    Are we all chilled, relaxed, and non-violent?

W:  Two out of three. Do you want to push me on the third?

P:    So what’s next on the list?

F:    Good call.

W:  The next one is Religion.

F:    I liked that application. Not so much a naturally-occurring catastrophic force, but a good one nonetheless.

P:    I liked the irony in Religion riding out in an event that only religious people believe in.

D:   Conflict of interest?

F:    You think there could be?

W:  Maybe not. Or not one that matters. At worst, it would want to make the most of the End Times, prove itself right to all the non-believers. I wouldn’t turn anyone away for being keen.

P:    How about sparing some of the believers?

W:  Everyone disbelieves at least one religion. I think we’d be fine.

F:    The portfolio is amazing. I didn’t know that about the Catholic Church and the fork.

P:    I don’t think it ‘forbade’ the use of forks. That seems a bit exaggerated. Although I’m sure it held back the uptake of a new-fangled technology, like a good religion ought to do.

W:  Not the best example it could have chosen for why it’s a dark and destructive aspect of human nature, though.

P:    Do you think? I think it’s pretty clever. Sure, it’s got the crusades, and various rounds of genocide, but not only does the story about the fork show how much power Religion has, but it also cheered me up when I read it, which is no mean feat in a job application.

W:  That’s true… Religion is good at thinking for people, which is one of the best ways to control them. It clearly has experience leading armies and working as a team.

F:    Organised religion generally has a decent number of people at the top, and they must be able to work together some of the time.

W:  And the flaming sword… it’s shown how many religions use fire in their ceremonies, and how many use swords. I think it would be okay there.

D:   Decide on interview.

P:    I think we should interview.

F:    So do I.

W:  And I.

D:   Agreed.

W:  Good. A nice easy one to kick back off with. This isn’t going to last.

P:    Considering the three we have left, that’s a good call.

---

F:    So what are we braving next?

W:  Capitalism.

F:    Ugh.

P:    Everyone loves buying things so they can pretend they’re much richer than they really are. It’s a time honoured tradition.

W:  It’s using Black Friday as it’s big selling point.

P:    Which is vicious.

W:  But relatively modern.

F:    There’s a lot of slaves and sweat-shops in there too. It’s not all new.

D:   Discuss the competencies.

P:    Uh…

F:    Well, it’s got a pretty nasty side to it. Competition and all that.

W:  One-upmanship. I doubt that will work well in a team, or at the head of an army.

F:    Wait. Is it going to expect us to start paying for our equipment?

W:  We are not putting it in charge of managing the weapons store if it does. I won’t pay for anything I can prise out of the cold, dead grip of an enemy, thank you very much.

F:    Not interviewing. Not a chance.

P:    Just on the basis of something it might do, or might not?

F:    Yup.

P:    It’s got the modern side of it, which is something we need.

F:    You know what happens with Capitalism, though, don’t you? It tries to make things on the cheap and sell them for more than they’re worth. We’ll end up with flaming swords that flame for half an hour then burn through the hilt and set fire to your vest.

P:    Or canteen food that looks amazing, but actually is half reclaimed ‘meat’ and half sawdust, and doesn’t actually have any nutritional value.

F:    [Pause] Okay, so there’s some points in its favour, but I still don’t think it has the proper gravitas to be one of us.

W:  That, I agree with. It might be up to date, but I’m not convinced it can survive for that long in its current form. People might change their minds tomorrow and decide Capitalism isn’t the way to go, and then we’d be stuck with an out-dated horseperson.

P:    That’s a good point. Alright, I agree. Let’s not interview.

W:  Good. Death? Do you want to interview Capitalism?

D:   No.

P:    That’s consensus. Again. Does anyone else feel a bit uncomfortable with how much agreement is going on right now?

F:    Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

---

W:  Next on the list is Cancer.

[Long Pause]

D:   Interview.

F:    Really? After all the level-headed 'talk it though' attitude, that's what you come out with?

D:   Old friend.

P:    Creepy.

W:  I’ll admit I didn’t read the application cover to cover.

F:    Did any of us? I felt ill just browsing through it.

P:    It was just a list of names. Wasn’t that impressive.

F:    It was a long list of names. I can’t believe Employment made three copies of it. We must have obliterated a small rainforest.

W:  I like that it isn’t just people it’s killed, but also people it’s taken over the lives of.

F:    I had to put it on the floor because it was making my desk bow.

W:  Focus, Famine.

P:    When you get right down to it, though, it’s just an aspect of me.

W:  It’s more than that.

P:    It’s a sickness. A disease. That’s me.

F:    But it spreads. Like, it only has to affect one person directly, and it gets all their family, their friends, their colleagues…

P:    I can do that.

W:  Don’t pout, it’s not a good look on you. I agree with Famine, it’s developed beyond an illness that can be grouped together with everything else you own. It’s an aspect all by itself.

P:    How about we look at the competencies, since Death doesn’t want to give us any impartial guidance on this one.

D:   Interview.

W:  It’s dark and destructive.

F:    Catastrophic.

W:  Up-to-date, too, since humans are spending so much time and money on developing treatments.

P:    It doesn’t say any of that in the application.

F:    It doesn’t really need to, Pestilence. It’s Cancer. I’d have been impressed if it had just written ‘Cancer’ in the middle of a sheet of paper and handed that in.

P:    Bet it can’t handle a flaming sword.

W:  Neither can you.

P:    I’ve been working on it! Don’t you complain about my flaming sword work when you won’t even make time to help me out. I can’t believe you even brought it up. That’s heartless.

F:    I’m leaning towards interview.

W:  So am I.

P:    No. I won’t agree.

F:    It doesn’t make any difference if you agree or not. Three-to-one, we’re interviewing.

---

W:  Keep it together, guys. This is the last one. Fashion.

F:    I’m not sure why we have an application from Fashion.

P:    Better that than Cancer…

F:    Will you shut up? We’ve moved on. Think about Fashion.

W:  On the plus side, it makes a fairly good case for deaths caused by the desire to be fashionable.

P:    Sure, but as they tip over from fashion to death, they tend to fall into either my realm or Famine’s. Starving to death, giving yourself a completely preventable dietary deficiency, starving small children in a third world country because feeding them would make your clothes too expensive… we’ve already got those things covered.

W:  And this time I’m behind you using that as an excuse.

P:    All it’s got going for it are things like operations gone wrong, jealousy, or those stupid accidents people have whilst wearing something completely inappropriate. It’s a bit unimpressive.

F:    And it tips over in Capitalism as well, which we’ve already said is not to our standard.

W:  Do we have anything else to say in favour of Fashion? Death, you’ve been quiet on this one.

D:   Accomplishments are minimal.

W:  I agree. As far as I’m concerned, Fashion has the makings of something destructive, but it isn’t a properly independent destructive aspect of human nature.

F:    Are we ending on consensus again, then? No interview for Fashion?

P:    No interview.

W:  I don’t like how many of these we’ve all agreed on, but yeah, we’re not interviewing Fashion.

D:   Agreed.

W:  Well. That’s it, no more applications left, and four on the interview pile. Stupidity, Gluttony, Religion, and Cancer. That’s a manageable number.

F:    When are the interviews?

W:  Week of the 5^th, according to the application.

P:    Aren’t they trying to pin us down for the 7^th?

W:  They are, but it’s the anniversary of Pearl Harbour, and I want to celebrate.

F:    You mean commemorate?

W:  No. I have a bottle of Hawaiian Moonshine and a bottle of Sake, and I’m going to see which makes me fall over first.

P:    Maybe this is the point we should turn the tape recorder off?

W:  If you like. If there’s world peace on the 8^th, you’ll know what happened.

[End transcript, 16:34.]

[End Part 3.]

The Fourth Horseman - Pre-Interview Part 2

IBTET: Internal meeting transcript. Begins 14:12, 23/11/16.

P:    Did you just put a tape recorder on?

D:   Records must be kept to ensure due diligence.

P:    So whatever we say will be recorded for posterity?

W:  Or as a warning to others.

F:    Don’t worry about it, Pestilence. Anyone listening back to it will know what you’re like, so just be your normal, effluviant self.

D:   Turning attention to the applications.

W:  Yes. The first one on my pile is from the manifestation of Health and Safety.

F:    Everyone hates Health and Safety.

P:    Not exactly deadly, though, is it? More sort of the opposite.

W:  It depends. I’ve seen what really angry people can do, and over-enforced Health and Safety is enough to make anyone really angry.

P:    Can I check something? Is this application for one manifestation, or two working together? I couldn’t quite tell.

D:   The application is for two to work as one.

P:    Like, as a job share?

F:    Modern.

P:    Well that’s not going to work, is it? We’d be the five horsemen of the apocalypse. Or the three permanent horsemen and the one interchangeable horseman. And I don’t fancy riding out with ‘Health’ at my side. Sort of undermines our branding.

W:  They’d be fine with managing the flaming swords. No unintended injuries there.

P:    You’re not wanting to interview them, are you?

W:  And ride out for the End Times next to ‘Safety’? Not a chance. But we’ve got to have a balanced discussion.

P:    We are. We’re balancing the application against what we’re looking for in a horseperson. It’s not my fault it doesn’t balance well.

F:    If I can interrupt…? I think we can sum this up pretty well. Health and Safety matches some of the qualities we’re looking for, and their names strike terror into the hearts of mortals, but their general abilities don’t come across as catastrophic enough for our needs. Does that sound about right?

W:  That’ll do.

D:   Decline for interview?

W:  Yes.

P:    Absolutely.

F:    Yep. They’re not for us.

D:   Decided.

---

W:  Alright. Moving on to [pause] Stupidity.

P:    Oh boy.

F:    The entire application is just hideous, but…

P:    Yeah, there’s something uncomfortably good about it.

D:   Is there demonstration of the required skills?

W:  No.

P:    I wouldn’t be so hasty. Stupidity is a catastrophic force of nature, and it had a really strong portfolio.

W:  It will be dead within the first day, and I will not be held responsible for that.

F:    Obviously we’re going to have to make some adjustments to our working practice. We’ve been a team for a long time, and getting on with someone new will take a little while.

W:  It will be dead within the first day, and I will not be held responsible.

P:    Okay, I think we’re getting a pretty clear message there, War. Something to put on the Cons list – unlikely to get on well in a team.

D:   Consider the portfolio.

F:    It would make for a long read if there was any kind of detail in it. Or descriptions. Or anything other than ‘I worked on the UK referendum for months, and if that doesn’t get me the job, then you’re all idiots’.

P:    Granted, the detail is lacking, but there’s references to a hell of a lot of stuff. The Dark Ages in Europe, Australia in 1932, the US elections. If you look into it, Stupidity has been everywhere and done everything.

W:  But we have to look into it. It’s not capable of explaining itself.

P:    We all have our quirks. Death sounds like a badly programmed AI. Arguments with you tend to lead to a new round of employment and awkward conversations with surviving family members. Famine puts food off, which is why it's never invited to the Christmas party...

F:    That's not a good enough reason. You could just not have food at the party.

P:    Who has a Christmas party without food?

F:    Lots of people have Christmas parties without food. You just don't want me th...

W:  Children! Enough arguing. You're only proving the point - there's enough stupidity on this team without adding more.

P:    I think we should interview.

W:  No.

F:    I'm in no mood to be agreeing with you, Pestilence, but... I think we should interview as well.

W:  Death? Casting vote - what do you want to do?

D:   Qualities are suitable. Interview.

W: [Censored]

P:    It's alright. I bet Stupidity's better in person.

W:  Have you even considered it holding a flaming sword?

P:    That would look amazing on its llama.

[Pause]

P:    Because you all looked at the photo attached to the cover letter, didn't you?

W:  What llama?

F:    Oh fiery inferno of Hell, it's a llama!

W:  I wasn't sent a photo. Show me.

P:    Weren't you even a bit suspicious when you read the cover letter?

W:  Constantly. Which bit?

P:    Here. [Reading from application.] "Transport is not a problem – I bought a horse the other day, so I’ll fit right in, although you guys will be jealous as hell because it’s a special breed. I’m sending a photo with my application." Blah, blah, blah... "The guy I bought it from said it’s a Lesser Lower-Andes Mountain Artiodactyl breed. She’s called Shirley."

F:    Wow.

P:    Shirley. Like... Shirley that's a llama? No?

W:  It didn't notice that it had bought a llama?

P:    Neither did you.

[Censored]

P:    ...not efen goig to apologise?

W:  Stop playing up to it. Your lip's barely even bleeding.

P:    Your idea of barely bleeding and my idea of barely bleeding are very different.

D:   Arrange cleaners for the break. Consider the next applicant now.

---

W:  Yes, thank you. The next one on my list is Gluttony.

F:    If War gets to veto Stupidity, I get to veto Gluttony. Not interviewing.

P:    I liked the application.

F:    You would.

D:   Discuss the specifics.

W:  It's subtle, but pervasive. And it's a relatively new thing, which might help drag some of us kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

F:    If you've got something to say to me, War, just come out and say it.

W:  You're old fashioned.

F:    I am not. There are plenty of people still dying of starvation - more than there are dying from 'over-eating'.

P:    But, obesity-related illnesses are definitely on the rise. If we're going to stay current, it might not be a bad idea to recognise that.

F:    Illnesses. Not deaths. It's not relevant.

W:  Illnesses leading to early deaths. Like I said, it's subtle, but it definitely contributes.

F:    I don't think the 4 horsemen should ever be accused of being subtle.

W:  Now that's a fair point.

D:   Experience is minimal.

P:    Yeah, that's true. There's the odd mortal here and there through the centuries that was successful enough to become a glutton, but most of it's experience is pretty recent.

F:    And not fatal. Which is kind of the point of us. And before you repeat yourself, weight-related illnesses probably falls under Pestilence's remit.

P:    A lot of stuff does. We all share activities already. Famine leads to War, which leads to me, and we all lead to Death. We're all intertwined like that, and Gluttony fits in pretty well. I vote to interview.

F:    Please don't do that. War, Death, back me up. It's going to cancel me out.

W:  Then you'll have to try harder. I vote to interview.

F:    Screw you.

W:  I will happily introduce your face to the floor like I did Pestilence's. You just have to push.

F:    I'm actually okay with my face the shape it is, thanks.

W:  Death, what're your thoughts? Interview or not?

D:   Interview.

F:    God damn it.

W:  Don't swear. Gluttony goes on the interview list. Onto the next one.

F:    Can we take a break? I'd like to get the cleaners in - I know Pestilence oozes all the time anyway, but seeing all this blood is putting me on edge.

W:  You're such a child. One more and we're half way through. Suck it up until then.

P:    I quite like it, actually.

---

W:  Shut up. We've got Human Resources up next.

P:    Evil. Very evil. We should give it a chance.

F:    Agreed.

D:   Discuss the application.

P:    Really? Because everyone hates HR, even the people that work in it. I think it'd be perfect.

D:   Assess skills and qualities described.

F:    Alright. It's dark and destructive, and will probably be a pretty good leader.

W:  Why do you say that?

F:    Humans are still using it, despite the universal hatred. It's got a handle on them.

W:  Humans are masochistic, though. And can you imagine riding out on the big day? War, Famine, Pestilence, and Human Resources? The humans wouldn't even notice the world ending, they'd be so busy laughing.

P:    That's a good point. Not so much a catastrophic force of nature, is it? What would it do, paperwork people to death?

F:    It would work, but it’s not quick.

W:  It wasn’t the best application. There was a lot of detail there, but I didn’t feel like it meant much. It was like reading the terms of engagement for hiring a lawyer.

P:    Soulless.

F:    That’s a check on the ‘Pros’ list.

W:  And when we do ride out? How long will it take to organise its transport? Sure, it controls the carpools for every major and minor company out there, but think of the bureaucracy involved. We’d have to delay the End of the World for a week to get the paperwork through.

F:    And that’s several checks on the ‘Cons’ list.

P:    I think we should interview anyway. It contributes to such a seething undercurrent of hatred and anger in the human race we ought to give it a chance.

F:    Yeah, I agree. My blood’s boiling just thinking about it.

W:  You’re doing this because you hate me, aren’t you? We’re not interviewing Human Resources. Death, back me up.

D:   Decline to interview.

W:  Thank you.

F:    That’s still 2 against 2. What happens now?

D:   To be reconsidered if sufficient applicants are not found.

F:    Alright. Putting it on the ‘maybe’ pile. Can we go for a break now? If not for me, then at least to let War cool down.

W:  I’m cool. But yes, we’ll break now. Back here in half an hour.

[End Part 2. Continue Part 3.]